- Nicole Lunan
The Fear of Abandonment (Part 3)
Do you consistently feel unsafe in relationships?
That the person you love will up and vanish, leave, and not come back, or emotionally abandon you?
When people get close to you, do you sabotage and push them away, stop yourself from being vulnerable, thus blocking relationships before they even had a chance to succeed?
If any of this sounds familiar, you may struggle with the fear of abandonment.
How do we stop the fear of abandonment?
This video shares a super important coaching strategy on how to stop the Fear of Abandonment shadow and take back control over our lives once and for all. After diving into research, I was able to narrow it down to two mindsets that feed the Fear of Abandonment shadow, thus leaving us in broken relationship patterns, unhealed trauma, and deep fear to open our hearts to love.
If we work on healing ourselves of these thought patterns, we can free ourselves from the fear of abandonment shadows grip, and have a real chance at love, not only with others but with ourselves as well.
Hello Moodlings, I’m Dr. Nicole Lunan the CEO and Co-Founder of MoodMe, a specialist in mindfulness and emotional intelligence!
So, Guess what?
I am so proud of you.
You’ve made it to video three in the fear of abandonment series.
If you haven’t watched the first two, cycle back, as they give a deep explanation of the fear of abandonment, and how it plays into a cycle that has the ability to tear apart relationships.
I have broken down the coaching tips and strategies portion into mini-lectures, which include journaling exercises, chances for deep reflection, worksheets, and affirmations.
If you want to stop the fear of abandonment from interrupting your relationships, you are in the right place.
Please do these mini-lessons at your own pace. Everyone talks about “doing the work” on ourselves, and here is a chance for you to do that!
Again this is all brought to you by MoodMe!
The Victim & Helpless Child
As you now know, the Fear of Abandonment infers that in the past you could have been physically or emotionally losing a loved one.
It was then that you were taught the world wasn’t a safe place because, at any moment, the people you love could vanish.
Now you feel anxious or fearful to get close to others.
The trauma you experienced plays in loops when you open your heart and act as a form of sabotage that pushes others away.
All of this plays into a cyclic self-fulfilling prophecy.
There are two mindsets that the Fear of Abandonment shadow loves to work with. These mindsets and the Fear of Abandonment shadow are best friends and feed each other.
After much research, I have discovered that if we can shift these thought patterns, we will FINALLY be able to face down the Fear of Abandonment.
So, what self-limiting beliefs do we need to let go of to shatter the fear of abandonment?
The victim mindset + the helpless child.
So, what does the victim mindset entail?
A victim mentality means that we overly identify with the status of being a victim and become dependent on self-pity.
Bad things in life happen to us, things that are out of control like assault or a crime that in which would make you a victim.
We are a victim of the circumstance or event that happened.
There is nothing we could have done to stop these particular events from happening, and it’s perfectly normal to feel helpless and engage in self-pity.
But when this helplessness becomes our constant story that we tell ourselves over and over again, we are in trouble.
When we don’t move on from the trauma and instead use it as a defense strategy or coping mechanism, it inhibits our ability to grow, and take responsibility for our life and actions.
It’s nothing to be sad or ashamed about, as it’s a strategy that we learned from childhood to help self soothe.
When we tripped and fell after running away from our partners, we could cry to gain love, support, and attention.
And then we really were helpless children, we were at the mercy of our parents’ choices.
We didn’t get much of a say of who was in our lives, how we were treated, what to eat, and what activities we wanted to partake in.
So, it’s safe to say and accept that at one point in our lives, we were all helpless children. The question is, are you still one now? Are you still in a way crying to gain that love, support, and attention?
Let’s dive deeper into the helpless child’s archetype to see if any of this sounds familiar to you.
Leading with the helpless child and victimhood is popular and here is why
It makes it easier for us to not take responsibility for the choices in our lives, to blame others, and protect our ego which can be fragile.
We can complain more, and through complain we receive attention and sympathy from others.
It makes us feel innocent like we can’t do any wrong.
We can lead with the helpless child to manipulate, guilt, and control others.
By leading with the helpless child, we can avoid feeling the yucky feelings that make us feel bad about ourselves.
Now let’s talk about the negatives of trapping yourself in helpless child mode
You’ll keep attracting the same negative patterns over and over again, and complain to those close to you about why this happening
You’ll stop yourself from healing deep trauma, and will continue to feel that pain on a daily basis
The people in your life will become “fatigued” from always being the “bad” person and taking the blame
People can only be manipulated and controlled for so long, and once they awaken to these tactics, they will eliminate you from their life completely
Also, if we truly loved the people in your life, we wouldn’t attempt to control them in this way.
By keeping track of all of the bad things that have happened to you or that another has done to you aka a rap sheet, and continuously focusing on it and bringing it up in conversations, we are trapping ourselves in that victim narrative.
How is the fear of abandonment and helpless child interwoven?
Fear of abandonment infers that we don’t want to be left alone because we are afraid to take of ourselves because you still see yourself as a helpless child.
We are afraid to be in charge of our well-being and happiness because if things were to go wrong, there would be nobody else to look to for support, sympathy.
Because we haven’t learned to generate that validation, self-care, and support towards ourselves.
The helpless child says:
“I fear others leaving me because I am ultimately afraid of taking care of myself.”
At the end of the day, this has nothing to do with others leaving you, and everything to do with you being afraid of supporting, nurturing, and loving yourself.
So how do we stop the fear of abandonment?
We begin by reframing our lives and the situations + conflicts in our lives by solely focusing on ourselves and our actions.
By not viewing ourselves as helpless children, but as strong independent people who make choices whether consciously or unconsciously. By turning our lens inwards, we will reclaim our power and be less afraid for others to leave because we will ultimately trust our ability to withstand and thrive on our own.
We forgive ourselves and we forgive others.
Then, we will finally be able to move towards a brighter future without anger, fear, and resentment holding us back.
Action steps to healing the fear of abandonment include the letting go of the helpless child archetype and releasing the victim narrative, thus placing ourselves in power and control over own life.
We must begin to take ownership of our thoughts, actions, and behaviors.
We must stop treating our partners like they are our parents. You are the only one who can reparent, love, and nurture your, inner child. It is your responsibility and no one else’s.
We must place the responsibility of love, trust, and care back on ourselves. Once we can self-love, self-soothe, and self-validate, then we will be less fearful of losing others. Because we have succeeded in building a strong relationship with ourselves, and we do not depend on others filling a void or giving us things that we cannot give to ourselves.
MoodMe is featuring two amazing exercises that will help you let go of the victim mindset + helpless child archetype. One is a journaling exercise, and the second is daily affirmations. So stay tuned!
By letting go of the helpless child archetype and victim mindset, and taking ownership of my well-being and happiness, we can stop ourselves from being afraid of others to abandon us.
Because we will already have all of our needs met on our own, and another’s love will be an addition to the love we love and validation we have discovered in ourselves.
By learning how to reparent our inner child, we take the pressure off our partners to be the parent we never had, and instead provide ourselves with the healing, nurturing, care we have always desired.
Remember All of the power lies within, not without.
- Dr. Nicole Lunan
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