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Why You Keep Attracting Emotionally Unavailable Lovers

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The other night I went to a comedy show; hilarious, by the way. I'm always so intrigued about how they interplay the ability to talk about something so profound and severe but also bring humor to it. On my way home, I was speaking to a good friend. She talked about a guy giving her the runaround. At first, he seemed interested, really interested, and gave her the attention she desired. But then, after real feelings started to develop, he became hot and cold, out of reach, and wasn't willing to show her the same affection or attention, leaving her confused. She wasn't even that into him in the beginning, but he slowly grew on her, and now that she developed some genuine feelings, he decided to pull away—the old bait and switch. I've heard about this phenomenon with not just one friend but five of my girlfriends. The worst part was when the lovers did this to them; it created a space of confusion, unworthiness, and pain. They are left feeling like they are not worthy of love or consistent attention, making them want to quell the pain and prove their ego wrong by looking for proof in another partner. Unfortunately, they continue to attract the same archetype of a partner repeatedly. They continue to attract emotionally unavailable partners.


There's a metaphor in sex and the city that I find helpful when describing emotionally unavailable partners. People are like taxis, and if you haven't been to a large city, the available taxis drive around with their lights on so that you know they have space for you and want to pick you up. Some drive around with their lights off because they are unavailable, are off work, or have someone already in their cab. Ok, emotionally unavailable men are like the taxis driving around with their lights off. They don't have any space in their hearts to dive deep into a relationship, most likely because they are still healing over something they've been through in a past relationship or childhood. Unfortunately, they may do the bait and switch and act like their light is on, only for it to dim out quickly after you begin to catch feelings for them. Maybe they don't know the status of their light. Or perhaps they know their light is off, but to attract a partner, they know they have to act like it's on. Either way, this confusion is hurtful to the person thinking they're about to catch the ride of their life, a partner who is open to exploring love, sex, and a deep connection. 


So why do we attract emotionally unavailable partners? Well, there are five reasons, and we will be going over these reasons in this video. Before we go any further, please send us some love, like, share, and subscribe.  


Ok, so why do you keep attracting emotionally unavailable partners? 


You are not emotionally available yourself. The internal world reflects the external world. Simply speaking, your heart doesn't have the space for the love you believe you want to attract, or your heart is not open. So, the next question is, what is taking up so much space in your heart? Let's take Julia, for example; Julia has just gone through a hard breakup in which the relationship lasted for several years. After the split, she's out-dating. But instead of having fun, she's looking for another deep relationship. Is she looking for another relationship because she's running from dealing with the pain from the last one? Probably. But also, it's evident that her heart still has her ex's belongings in there. He's got a house in there, a car, and an Xbox. She hasn't vacated him out of the premises. So, when she wants to move a new lover in, there's literally no space. Her heart knows this. Her mind thinks otherwise. Her mind thinks that she wants another deep connection, a true partner. Her heart is saying our capacity is total. We are no longer accepting applicants. So, then a battle of the heart and the mind begins. The mind goes on Tinder and hunts for applicants. The heart says ok, I'll let you have your fun, but I will attract partners who don't plan to move in because there's no space. The heart appeases the mind or the ego by attracting people who aren't looking for a home, just a temporary stay. 


You got to figure out who or what is living in your heart. Who or what is taking up all the space? If you are attracting emotionally unavailable partners, it's most likely because you are not ready to open your heart fully; however, you still want to play. The issue with most is that we can't separate play and emotions. So, most will go into a dating situation where they want to play, but feelings get involved, and suddenly, they want that relationship. Because whatever was experienced through dating, felt good, even if it was temporary. It gave you a taste of what support and connection felt like, and it tasted so so good. Suppose you are going through these little whirlwind relationships with emotionally unavailable people. In that case, it's your heart's way of reminding you that, yes, connection and touch with another do feel good, and it's time to focus on healing your heart to make space for that. 


Ok, so let us, for a second, take ownership of our choices and decisions. Nobody else is bringing these emotionally unavailable people into your life: nobody else but you. You are the common denominator. So, although it's easy to say that dating sucks, women or men suck. It's hard to ask yourself why you are attracting these people. 


What part of you says you don't deserve a partner who sincerely loves you? What part of you is saying that you are not worthy of love? What part of you is holding onto the past hurts and pains and therefore deciding not to trust? What part of you is saying yes to a partner you know doesn't want a relationship, and instead, you attempt to change them, to prove to them that you are worthy of this change of mind? Is there enough space in your heart for love? Is there enough space in your life for a relationship? 


If you want to stop attracting emotionally unavailable partners, begin by asking yourself these questions.a


Don't stop now! Check out our next article!


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