How to Survive Mercury Retrograde (May- June 2022)

Feeling a bit off lately? Well, you're not alone because Mercury Retrograde May-June 2022 is officially upon us. Beginning on May 10, Mercury will appear to move backward in the chatty, clever sign of Gemini. Take special note of your word choices, as Gemini rules communication — say what you mean and mean what you say. And remember, misinformation is still likely to spread. Do your best to approach conversations with a leveled head and awareness, and although this won't be the last Mercury retrograde of 2022, know that this particular retrograde will be over soon enough (June 3, to be exact!). Also, retrograde will switch over into Taurus on May 22 and will end there upon completion. What does this mean? It means you can expect quite a bit of stubbornness from those around you, and you may have a strong feeling a strong desire to rebel and speak against authority figures as you will feel frustrated. Frustration + lack of communication + stubbornness = Mercury retrograde May 2022. To bring some light + humor to Mercury retrograde, I wanted to go over some Do's and Don'ts to help you survive and thrive this Mercury retrograde. God bless this upcoming mess! 

Let's go through some Do's and Don'ts of Mercury Retrograde 

1. Do expect shit to hit the fan, as far as texts from your exes or people from the past. Don't be surprised when you see their name magically pop up on your phone when you're doing your best to pay attention to a work meeting that could have been wrapped in 5 minutes tops, but instead, it's droning on and on for the last hour. Don't ignore that sinking feeling in your chest because that's most likely a sign that you shouldn't deeply engage with this ex, who cheated on you and stole your dog. Do understand that they're probably looking for some sort of closure or understanding, and it doesn't have to go any further than that. Do understand that, in many cases bringing your ex back will only make you feel better during the honeymoon period; then, it may make you feel worse. 

2. Do expect your Karen-like boss to be extra detailed oriented and particular about your work as she sweetly sends you an e-mail full of tedious, highlighted, bolded, and italicized, tasks that suck your soul away and makes you want to quit. And once you are all finished with these tasks that didn't make any sense to do in the first place, your computer dies without you saving it as you gossip with your co-worker at the water. Cooler. Because the charging cord that you have was on its last leg and you didn't want to replace it. All your work is gone, thus leaving you in a fit of rage that could crack the earth and finally cause that earthquake in California that everyone keeps talking about, but I seriously doubt it will ever happen. 

3. Do understand that mercury retrograde has a way of bringing up the past so that you can revisit your old wounds and heal. Yes, that means all the wounds you just placed a band-aid over, secretly compartmentalized, or hid behind a bottle of your finest wine and that hot guy with the eight-pack of Tinder are fair play in this mercury retrograde game. Speaking of Mercury retrograde being a game. I feel like mercury retrograde is what happens when things get a little too calm in all of our lives, and the universe decides to stir it up again to teach us lessons that we chose to learn before we even came on this earth. Kind of like that simulation dome in hunger games, which makes the weather and surroundings more volatile to cause more drama for the contestants competing against each other. The universe is like, oh no, boring! They're getting a little too comfy. Begin the mercury retrograde simulation!

4. Do expect that drama that has been subtly brewing, marinating, and cooking underneath will come to the surface. Do expect it to be whirley, explosive, and oddly creative. Mercury Retrograde will have you in a fight about who takes out the trash more and ending in a fight about why Susie P., who ironically has her picture saved in your boyfriend's phone, is sending work texts at 11:30 pm on a Saturday. 

5. Don't use Mercury retrograde as an excuse to cheat, lie, or completely ruin your relationship by doing or saying something so unthinkable that you cannot take it back. Do understand that relationships of all kinds are rocky at this time; however, you shouldn't make any impulsive moves or snap judgments like moving out, breaking an engagement, or telling your mother-in-law that you've never liked her. Don't be impulsive. Take a sip of water. Do wait until the end of mercury retrograde to make any large decisions in your relationships. 

6. Don't make arguments and conflicts worst by escalating. What is escalation, do you ask? Instead of finding a space for compromise and peace, you may instead try to pour gasoline on an already existing fire. Mercury retrograde is all about miscommunication, so Do, acknowledge this and leave some room for positive intent from the other person. "Assume this person did not express themselves correctly at this time." Don't decide to will smith slap, push, or throw a drink on your ex-best friend or ex-boyfriend you accidentally run into at the bar. Don't add to your chaos by going to drink more; choose water. Choose water, my friend. Choose water. 

7. Do calm your mind by doing meditation, salt baths, face masks, journaling, going to a gun range, and creating a burn book of all the people who screwed you over in the past. Just kidding, don't do that. No, write a revenge fantasy instead; just kidding about that too. Or am I? Just wanted to see if you were still listening. But seriously, your emotions and nervous system will be amped during this time, so why not be proactive and do things to counterbalance this? Do work out that cute body of yours because it will help you stop feeling like an angsty teenager whose shades are drawn while you listen to Mariah Carey forever be my baby on repeat. Plus, summer is here! So, you'll not only burn that crispy crème donut and spice ramen you binged while watching the newest season of Bridgeton, but you'll also burn bad choices as your adrenaline will be used for squats as you make that booty bigger, instead of choosing to cause drama with your roommate.  

8. Do drive safely during Mercury retrograde. Now is not the time to be driving and texting your bestie about plans for the weekend while eating an in-and-out burger with ketchup dripping from the bun or the lettuce wrap if you're gluten-free or keto. Do pay attention to your surroundings and make safe choices as far as traveling from bars, clubs, and your ex-girlfriend's house to your home. Now is not the time to take silly chances; Mercury retrograde has been known to bring accidents, so do say a prayer while you travel that you will arrive safely at your intended destination. 

9. Do expect your phone to grow a mind of its own and decide not to send your last message to your boyfriend, thus causing him to ignore you because he thinks you're ignoring him, but really the phone is conquering both of you, and has become your own worst enemy. Do expect your phone to randomly butt dial the very person you do not want to speak to as they secretly listen to you explain why you don't like them anymore and how you're creating a detailed plan to cut them out of your life. Don't expect your important e-mail to go through, thus resulting in you having to come into work on Saturday to replace your normal Saturday routine of Starbucks and Pilates, Gossip, and Mimosas.  

10. Do visualize yourself as a big rock in an ever-flowing river. Do allow the anxiety, temper tantrums, flat tires, and possibly bad contract that you should not sign during Mercury retrograde to flow past you. Do understand that Mercury retrograde won't last forever. Don't generalize this feeling and broadcast this for the rest of your life. Do get some good rest during this time. Do take time to yourself and watch that new Netflix series you've been eyeing with a bowl of popcorn instead of getting drunk on a Tuesday with people you don't really like.